16th June 2011

I'm... procrastinating. As usual. School starts in a little over a week. And everyone around me is sighing about how fast this holiday has gone. I'm no exception. After 2-3 months, (10 weeks actually) of fighting, i highly doubt that one month is enough to recover. Especially one when there is the ever constant pressure of having to study for terms and complete the huge pile of homework at the same time. Before we know it, the 'break' is gone and we are thrown back into the hectic lifestyle of a student. What can we do? Time remains as impatient as ever. Forcing us to forge forwards as the hands of the clock continue to tick.

No one will ever know what a new day brings. Sometimes you look back and wonder, where did the good old days go? Days when you could smile every day for longer periods of time. Days when the word 'depressed' never found a place in my vocabulary. Peaceful and happy. Why is it that, when you become older, the more you seem to have to carry on your shoulders? The more you have to worry about. Also, I envy people who can be so straight forward in any situation. I... have not grown 'more straight forward' in any way, and if self-awareness instincts serve me right, i have grown further and further away from the definition. In the end, what i'm asking for, is the mindset of a child again. Yet, we can never turn back the hands of time, for what is lost is now gone. I can only hope to appreciate as much of the (albeit limited) freedom i have, and not let the rest of my teenage years go to waste.

I read somewhere before: If you were surrounded by a mountain pile of dirty clothes, and you only had a bucket and water with you, what would you do? The only option is to start at the clothes by your feet, and wash and wash. Slowly but surely, you will eventually begin to finish them all. The new term is starting (sadly) and we will never know what problems, uncertainties and fears will appear. We can only hope work through them all slowly. Even though we may cry, hurt and attain scars on the way, eventually i hope we'll all be able to see the sun =)

ARGH omg i'm so emo today. Hahaha but seriously i'm in a freakishly weird mood. And i just had to receive a call halfway through this post. Needless to say it was an awkward phone call; partly cos of the topic of discussion and my mood at that point of time. Now i feel bad T.T

2nd June 2011

Its already the middle of 2011 =/ and i remember how i was during this time last year, mugging (at least trying to, i think) and hoping for the O levels to be over. Today, I am bored.. okay fine i'm lying. I am dead tired. So many things have been running through my head over the past few days and studies are.. not really my priority, yet. haha

Insecurities, puppy love issues, thoughts about the current state of things, thoughts about the future. Its been overwhelming. Somehow, when i made the transition from school to holidays (from AEWF to the start of the holidays), from always being around people to just me and papers, out of the blue.. it became a little lonely. It doesn't help that my past insecurities are haunting me again. It occurred to me to be more appreciative of these periods of time when i'm alone, to reflect and think. But i guess too much of it isn't good for me either. And when you have too much to think about... you just get overwhelmed. Should i be satisfied with the way things are? Why did i suddenly want to consider to do something related to music? Do i have a right to be disappointed? So many questions, but the more i think, the more muddled i get, the harder it is to find answers. But if i don't think about them, they're like thorns in my flesh, constantly there to bother me.

I pray, please, lessen her pain =/

24th May 2011

Its almost the end of the term!!! Arghh but why do all the things have to keep rushing us during the last week of the term??? =( The thread holding me up is thin enough alr! Sigh but what can we do? >.< we complain, will for time to pass faster, but it just never does.... the only thing we can do is to bite our tongues, and survive on. During this taxing period of time i realised something...

Little things easily make me happy... or sad, for that matter.

Like meeting your good friend after so long just to catch up

Like seeing a teacher(s) who you've thought didn't know you, unexpectedly say hi

Like a warm hug out of the blue from a classmate/friend

Like a smile or greeting from anyone you know

Like gathering up the courage to make a rather weird apology, only to find that it did mean as much to her as it did to me

Like one less scolding from someone you respect

Like a usually mean person suddenly treating you nicely

Like a friend suddenly tagging you in a note on fb

Little things that I have come to appreciate as my wits and endurance are stretched to their limits.

I'm glad i have such supporting people around me, even if they're unconsciously doing it XD I hope i can return the favour one day ;-) Haha okay time to get back to work...

"There comes a point in life when you realise who matters, who never did, who won't anymore and who always will. So don't worry about the people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future" - i have never loved a quote more. It has the potential to comfort me in times of doubt =)

16th May 2011

Yay! Its Vesak day tmr =D At least another break, that is not taken up. Except for having to go for a 2 hour chem lesson tmr... oh well, chem is going to be fun, i hope... oh well. Hahaha School has been tiring, but chock full of new experiences just waiting to be tried out ^^ Except for learning math... there really isn't anything interesting learning about how to count up a row of numbers... Sigh okay, lets just say that my maths hasn't been doing very well ever since i came to JC. Unbelievable? Well, you better believe it. Haha i'm considering tuition again, but maybe after the June holidays if my term exams come out bad.

At the moment i'm just slacking away... although i do have a list of undone homework and more waiting that are due over the next few days. (laughs guiltily) I'm going to have to do work after I post this up....

ACJC's concert An Evening With Friends is fast approaching! I highly recommend you go cos the songs are just amazing ^^ there's accapella, sacred songs, chinese songs, tribal(?) songs... and more. Haha and we're not the only ones performing! There's our 20 strong alumni and the University of Auckland Chamber Choir =DD Okay this seems more like an advertisment now. Haha

Anyway, the choir is turning into overdrive again, as we work to perfecting the songs we're singing... i can't remember the exact number, neither am i hardworking enough to go count.. but its quite a lot. All the best to the J2s as they persevere on amid their exams while perfecting their music! I don't actually know what more to write here.... hmmm i should get to work =(

- in the end, you just read a product of procrastination, by yours truly - HAHAHAH

3rd May 2011

I could remember the date of today without even checking the calendar. This is probably because SYF is tmr =/ I'm kinda worried T.T There is so much to remember and at the same time i need to turn that information into something beautiful and priceless, filled with the love of making music instead of me trying desperately to remember all the points that my conductor has mentioned to me... That's HARD T.T But i'll do my best and hopefully, i can deliver that kind of music to the audience. Seriously, reading the sms my teachers sent us makes me want to cry... i think if i can truly carry this out tomorrow, i can finally know the true pleasure of performing as a chorister.

I can't stop singing liao. lol Haha Ironic how i am better singing outside my home than inside it. It's probably because my parents and entire family don't know that i can actually sing super loudly and i'm not keen to the idea of introducing that to them - in case they decide criticise a secret that i'm very proud of. Lol i put a lot of effort into perfecting my voice =) And now i'm working on the vowels... and perhaps realising the true pleasure of performing can also help my voice grow too =D

Aiya enough with the choir stuff.. i was supposed to go finish up my maths tutorial and do some chem revision! Arghhh