17th March 2013

Ever wondered what it felt like... without support?
Its the implications of it all. Of your every action. Okay, you suck with words, but its true, but your actions reveal your intent. You have already lost all hope on me without even thinking about it.
I don't want to end up like you, regretting what you didn't do as you get older. Why didn't you fight for what you wanted? Why did you 'resign to fate', as you tell me to do, but sigh at how tough your own life is, while envying those whose lives are better? If you had fought for it, but failed, and then resigned to fate, maybe, just maybe you wouldn't be so bitter about it.

If I had fought for it, as hard as i can, but i failed, then i will resign. But i want to have tried again and again. If i am truly fated not to have it, then i shall be resigned. But at least i will know, it is not my way to go. But for now, i won't let go. I won't. Even if all of you are going to try and discourage me again and again. I won't. I want to try.

3rd February 2013

Ever felt tired deep down into your very bones? Ever felt the whole world seems to be against you? That each step you take, someone is just telling you its not enough? You are pushing forward as much as you possibly can, yet you have to do more, more and even more. While these statements shatter you, you have to keep moving on.

Time won't stop for me. But I need time to gather those shards and put them away. I'll come home, I'll cry about it. I'll write my feelings into a story. I'll write my experiences down, store them away deep into my heart.

And I will keep trudging forward

15th May 2012

There are lots of lonely people in this world... Everyone's lonely one way or another and there will be things that remind you of that loneliness.

When other people are happy because they have found a companion, even if that reminds you of something painful, why can't you just accept that she's happy and be happy for her? Instead of making her situation difficult and awkward? A little teasing is fine, but being too assertive just puts your friend in a bad position.


I'm okay really, just that this reminded me of things better off pushed aside. No point dwelling on this.. Apart from that, i've been busy preparing for tour. MYEs coming XD I am gonna work hard man...

3rd March 2012

I haven't posted for more than a month haha February flew by like a bullet train -.- or maybe because i don't want to move away from my 50th post in this blog. Haha considering how lazy i am, this is quite an achievement heh

Anyways, today, someone at my school figured out who was the person playing games. (ref to previous post heehee) well she is one of my closer friends/classmate/choir mate. haha

And she told me lots of things about the 'Player'. Turns out 'Player' is not inexperienced. And apparently i wasn't the only person being played. 'Player' treats almost all other girls like that. But at least, any pain i felt was like a tiny pinprick. It still hurt but it was pretty transient as long as i didn't think about it. Yet small little things we do together still make me feel happier than if it was with other guys. Hopefully time will heal and i can truly put this behind me for good.

And so my dear friend began to take it upon herself (challenge accepted, she said haha) to matchmake me with other guys. And so it begins.. (but i don't think i'll accept anyone else, not any time soon anyways)

"Honestly i don't regret it, but it wasn't the best experience i've had"

28th January 2012

[Okay, the spelling of Jan suddenly looked really weird to me.]

Just a thought.. I met my cousin on thursday. It was the first like.. face to face meeting. He's seven years my senior, and i never thought i would ever say this, but he's so gentlemanly! Put most of the guys i know to shame. And then (quote Zm) it 'had me thinking'.

I'm not a toy for you to play around with. I would rather total acceptance or absolute rejection. I'm really getting sick of your games. You'll never know when i'll just fling my cards onto the table and just walk away. After all, there are many more such 'games' ongoing in the world. And maybe the next game will be a little bit more smooth sailing.

D=

6th January 2012

Is this pre-school depression or sth? lol I'm not very keen to return to the days when I lack sleep but still have to force myself to go through the entire day. There's nothing worse than having to go through a long day while lacking sleep.

Doing homework has become a bitter activity. Urgh; I know i'm not supposed to be angry about such a thing but there's really nothing to look forward to in school. When the thing(s) you are searching for can't be found. I'm gonna try to look forward to small little things.. not sure if it'll work. Lately i've been getting the feeling that something unexpected is gonna happen this year. Or maybe its just me hoping again -.- Hmm an author expressed my feelings perfectly: "the hope [i] couldn't ever totally quench"

See! This is why i love books! They're a nice change from reality; And they help you put your feelings into words =)

PS. This is random but i thought i'd just post up a story for fun. It was a rare stroke of inspiration for me, written in July last year. Its.so.damn.applicable.to.life; probably because it expressed my fears, but i'm still hoping. So, this is for those out there who are still searching, for anything at all =) Go below to check it out!

The Calling

She was searching. Frantically, she grabbed the pile of books on her table, throwing them into a haphazard pile on her bed. They revealed nothing in hidden in their midst. No, not here. As searching every nook and cranny of her room began to look futile, the desperation began to mount. What if she never found it?

She moved onto searching the rest of her house. It wasn’t in any of her cupboards, neither was it among the things in her garage. She’d already emptied out every possible container in her house, yet its location continued to elude her. Where on earth could it be?

Then just as she passed the door leading to her backyard, she felt it. The pull on her energy. It launched her into another frantic search, this time of her backyard. She raced to patch of grass where the pull was exceptionally strong, her hand scrabbling at the earth, soil getting caught under her nails.

Adrenaline rushing through her veins, she dug at the soil as if her life depended on it, ignoring the bite of the earth on her skin.

Then she saw it, the corner of what appears to be a beautifully decorated box. The speed of her digging increased tenfold. So intent on her task, she did not even notice a sharp object cut into her palm. Lifting the box out of the soil, oblivious to the blood on her palm, she regarded it with wonder. Caressing the elegant designs, she heaved a sigh of relief. She’d found it, at last.

Her dirt covered hands traced over the runes inscribed on the box, a huge smile on her face. The runes were familiar; they were writings of her name in Runic.

Finally, she was going to find out. For 19 years she had waited. And today, all that anxiety, the worries, the expectations… they would all be over.

Taking a deep breath, she held it in her lungs as she slowly, carefully eased the box open.

Her eyes widened as tears slid down her cheeks. Her breath caught in her throat. She swore her heart had stopped beating. An involuntary sob escaped her lips in an attempt to relieve the growing agony in her chest.

It was empty.