23rd August 2011

I'm not supposed to be doing this... but i can't help it, i've got a lot of things to say, but in sufficient time to write them all in my diary. I have like 3 tests this week plus 3 sessions of choir (i'm not complaining.. will mention more abt this later..). I think if i weren't so.. idiotic this week, i probably won't be wishing for this week to end quickly. Today was a day of confusing feelings and fighting to keep myself happy. I mean of course there were things that made me happy, but I think because quite a lot of bad stuff happened, so they ended up 'outshining' the good things.

I'm so idiotic these few days. Kept forgetting to hand in things... to bring things, to do thing etc. last friday, forgot to hand in the class's tutorial. And from there things just went down hill... sigh i won't elaborate >.< It'll only make me even more depressed than i am now. anyway yeah, so today, i did a lot of foolish things.. choir ended around 7. But oh, Evangeline now i know the feeling of being in a bonded choir! We were walking to Buona Vista MRT station and then we started singing Ding Dong, OMG it was so fun~ hahaha Weijie keeps telling me to hit the high a/b -.- anyway, yeah i've really started to love the choir. All the great people i've yet to discover~ haha and loving how we get to sing together, that's a nice feeling =) teacher's day is coming, i hope that there'll be a miracle, and we can sing the songs to bless everyone in the hall and LT =D

The one thing that makes me smile today.. is probably a person's kind act of saying 'hi' to me. I thought he wouldn't remember me.. and life is pretty coincidental huh? Unless you don't believe in coincidences and say that it was fate.. Hahaha Then that would mean that life is playing tricks on me.. XD okay i gtg, Gp test tmr. haven't even read half of what i'm supposed to read...

12th August 2011

I was supposed to post this yesterday.. but i got depressed studying so much geog (which i doubt i'm going to do well in) and i didn't have the time to write. Also when i'm in a hurry i can't really do thing right... when i hurry myself, i'll only get the opposite effect - doing working super slowly, slower than normal. haha Yeah, i'm really different from my friends. How we get along, is something that i'm in awe of everyday... yeap so i'll treasure these friendships.

Ever felt some strong feelings for something, so strong that you really don't want to stop doing whatever you want to do/ stop seeing that person etc? I've been feeling like that so much recently, its baffling and the disappointment catches me by surprise. Wanting to do something so much, and suddenly finding out that you couldn't, knowing that it was just bad luck but being unable to do anything about it.. it was like a mental slap to me. Even writing about this, i could still feel the impact of those words. I think back and wonder, should i have done this differently...?

I realised i write about things in a really abstract way.. In fact i'm actually writing about two different things.. but linking them together cos they're actually... kinda related. Oh wells... but there's nothing i can do about this now. Only time can tell how things will change~ But i'll do my best. This week hasn't been a good week for me, and the recent realisation didn't help end the week well, so yeah. Here i am emoing away.. not really sure whether to look forward to tmr or not. Oh wells, I guess this is what happens when you make a sudden abrupt decision. But i'm gonna get through it. Notice i left out the 'try'? =D

25th July 2011

68 days to promos. Why am i NOT worried? sighs haha i didn't really do well for terms.. not very good, not very bad either. All of them are in the top range thou.. Excpet that i'm really starting to worry abt my Geog and GP. All those lessons where everyone was just arguing and i was stoning ( was i? there wasn't anything going through my mind, so many be i was) has made me feel extremely inadequate. It doesn't help that many of my friends are good at arguing in an essay almost without trying. Maybe i should consider consultations.

Today was a fun day. haha Rachel was sighing (happily) repeatedly, hence Si-an and i were teasing her relentlessly during recess. Haha but its rare to see her so happy. It makes me feel happy, whether its for her or due to the lifted atmosphere i don't know, but it was fun. Haha And there's Clarissa's want-to-catch-don't-want-to-catch expression when Wei Jie threw his jacket at her. She attacked him afterwards, which threw me into a laughing fit. Haha I'm beginning to fit into choir too. I'm glad... i found companions in the the most unexpected of friends. But hey i'm not complaining if it makes me feel a little more like i belong. And spending all the morning assemblies together.. i think my relationship with my fellow choir members is progressing ^^

I recently fell in love with frisbee. Its a super addictive sport which i am starting to grasp, and i can see myself improving with practice, unlike other sports (Basketball being a good example of this). Yeah... since frisbee involves going out into the sun/field to play, i expect myself getting a little bit more tan in the next few months XD The fun is just offset by the muscle aches and bruises experienced in the following days.. i'm still sporting some of them now even after thursday. Haha But is really fun =D And i can get to know more people too. So if i have time to spare, why not? Haha Which kinda means that i need to be more efficient when doing work. Which means no more slacking.... okay goodbye! (lol)

10th July 2011

I'm finally posting... after one month. Haha this blog's pretty dead anyway. Maybe someone will be too free, and they'll check out my fb profile and click the link to this blog. Anyway who cares, the blog is mostly for myself anyway. To satisfy my rare desires to be heard, perhaps by anyone at all.

Truth be told, recently i've been wanting to be heard. I hear myself sing but somehow it wasn't the free voice that i'd had 1 or two years ago. It's brightness is now being overshadowed by my utter lack of confidence. To the extent that i'm even beginning to wonder about the quality of my voice. Perhaps its not so ideal for choral singing after all. I can't seem to sing properly. Everyone tells me, you need taller vowels. But i was trying so hard >:( And i'm scared. I don't know how to get taller vowels.. no matter how i alter my voice it just doesn't fit. One time i sing like this, they tell us that's good. Then i sing the same way again some other day and they say it isn't tall enough. I'm so confused. The more i learn about singing the more confused i seem to get...

I miss it.

I miss the confidence that usually comes with my singing.

16th June 2011

I'm... procrastinating. As usual. School starts in a little over a week. And everyone around me is sighing about how fast this holiday has gone. I'm no exception. After 2-3 months, (10 weeks actually) of fighting, i highly doubt that one month is enough to recover. Especially one when there is the ever constant pressure of having to study for terms and complete the huge pile of homework at the same time. Before we know it, the 'break' is gone and we are thrown back into the hectic lifestyle of a student. What can we do? Time remains as impatient as ever. Forcing us to forge forwards as the hands of the clock continue to tick.

No one will ever know what a new day brings. Sometimes you look back and wonder, where did the good old days go? Days when you could smile every day for longer periods of time. Days when the word 'depressed' never found a place in my vocabulary. Peaceful and happy. Why is it that, when you become older, the more you seem to have to carry on your shoulders? The more you have to worry about. Also, I envy people who can be so straight forward in any situation. I... have not grown 'more straight forward' in any way, and if self-awareness instincts serve me right, i have grown further and further away from the definition. In the end, what i'm asking for, is the mindset of a child again. Yet, we can never turn back the hands of time, for what is lost is now gone. I can only hope to appreciate as much of the (albeit limited) freedom i have, and not let the rest of my teenage years go to waste.

I read somewhere before: If you were surrounded by a mountain pile of dirty clothes, and you only had a bucket and water with you, what would you do? The only option is to start at the clothes by your feet, and wash and wash. Slowly but surely, you will eventually begin to finish them all. The new term is starting (sadly) and we will never know what problems, uncertainties and fears will appear. We can only hope work through them all slowly. Even though we may cry, hurt and attain scars on the way, eventually i hope we'll all be able to see the sun =)

ARGH omg i'm so emo today. Hahaha but seriously i'm in a freakishly weird mood. And i just had to receive a call halfway through this post. Needless to say it was an awkward phone call; partly cos of the topic of discussion and my mood at that point of time. Now i feel bad T.T

2nd June 2011

Its already the middle of 2011 =/ and i remember how i was during this time last year, mugging (at least trying to, i think) and hoping for the O levels to be over. Today, I am bored.. okay fine i'm lying. I am dead tired. So many things have been running through my head over the past few days and studies are.. not really my priority, yet. haha

Insecurities, puppy love issues, thoughts about the current state of things, thoughts about the future. Its been overwhelming. Somehow, when i made the transition from school to holidays (from AEWF to the start of the holidays), from always being around people to just me and papers, out of the blue.. it became a little lonely. It doesn't help that my past insecurities are haunting me again. It occurred to me to be more appreciative of these periods of time when i'm alone, to reflect and think. But i guess too much of it isn't good for me either. And when you have too much to think about... you just get overwhelmed. Should i be satisfied with the way things are? Why did i suddenly want to consider to do something related to music? Do i have a right to be disappointed? So many questions, but the more i think, the more muddled i get, the harder it is to find answers. But if i don't think about them, they're like thorns in my flesh, constantly there to bother me.

I pray, please, lessen her pain =/