14th April 2013

Sometimes all you need is a little support right? What if family closest to you are unwilling to give you that? How would you feel then?

Can you not give me an extra year to explore my options? You say i'll be 'wasting my time'. Sometimes i wish i weren't so sensitive to little implications of words. They hurt, for goodness sake!

If someone is willing to help, why didn't you think about it first? Why come up with those petty excuses? Oh, you guys won't be able to live together harmoniously. Don't infringe into people's homes, you won't know what they think of you!

Its not every day that you are offered such opportunities, why can't attempt to consider it? It won't be forever, those years will pass fast enough and i will try my best not to be a burden! I'm not irresponsible, i'll learn if you properly explain it to me, but it just feels like you want to close me down to a life just like yours. A life of fear, no passion, and no progress.

I don't know what to do or feel.

17th March 2013

Ever wondered what it felt like... without support?
Its the implications of it all. Of your every action. Okay, you suck with words, but its true, but your actions reveal your intent. You have already lost all hope on me without even thinking about it.
I don't want to end up like you, regretting what you didn't do as you get older. Why didn't you fight for what you wanted? Why did you 'resign to fate', as you tell me to do, but sigh at how tough your own life is, while envying those whose lives are better? If you had fought for it, but failed, and then resigned to fate, maybe, just maybe you wouldn't be so bitter about it.

If I had fought for it, as hard as i can, but i failed, then i will resign. But i want to have tried again and again. If i am truly fated not to have it, then i shall be resigned. But at least i will know, it is not my way to go. But for now, i won't let go. I won't. Even if all of you are going to try and discourage me again and again. I won't. I want to try.

3rd February 2013

Ever felt tired deep down into your very bones? Ever felt the whole world seems to be against you? That each step you take, someone is just telling you its not enough? You are pushing forward as much as you possibly can, yet you have to do more, more and even more. While these statements shatter you, you have to keep moving on.

Time won't stop for me. But I need time to gather those shards and put them away. I'll come home, I'll cry about it. I'll write my feelings into a story. I'll write my experiences down, store them away deep into my heart.

And I will keep trudging forward

15th May 2012

There are lots of lonely people in this world... Everyone's lonely one way or another and there will be things that remind you of that loneliness.

When other people are happy because they have found a companion, even if that reminds you of something painful, why can't you just accept that she's happy and be happy for her? Instead of making her situation difficult and awkward? A little teasing is fine, but being too assertive just puts your friend in a bad position.


I'm okay really, just that this reminded me of things better off pushed aside. No point dwelling on this.. Apart from that, i've been busy preparing for tour. MYEs coming XD I am gonna work hard man...

3rd March 2012

I haven't posted for more than a month haha February flew by like a bullet train -.- or maybe because i don't want to move away from my 50th post in this blog. Haha considering how lazy i am, this is quite an achievement heh

Anyways, today, someone at my school figured out who was the person playing games. (ref to previous post heehee) well she is one of my closer friends/classmate/choir mate. haha

And she told me lots of things about the 'Player'. Turns out 'Player' is not inexperienced. And apparently i wasn't the only person being played. 'Player' treats almost all other girls like that. But at least, any pain i felt was like a tiny pinprick. It still hurt but it was pretty transient as long as i didn't think about it. Yet small little things we do together still make me feel happier than if it was with other guys. Hopefully time will heal and i can truly put this behind me for good.

And so my dear friend began to take it upon herself (challenge accepted, she said haha) to matchmake me with other guys. And so it begins.. (but i don't think i'll accept anyone else, not any time soon anyways)

"Honestly i don't regret it, but it wasn't the best experience i've had"

28th January 2012

[Okay, the spelling of Jan suddenly looked really weird to me.]

Just a thought.. I met my cousin on thursday. It was the first like.. face to face meeting. He's seven years my senior, and i never thought i would ever say this, but he's so gentlemanly! Put most of the guys i know to shame. And then (quote Zm) it 'had me thinking'.

I'm not a toy for you to play around with. I would rather total acceptance or absolute rejection. I'm really getting sick of your games. You'll never know when i'll just fling my cards onto the table and just walk away. After all, there are many more such 'games' ongoing in the world. And maybe the next game will be a little bit more smooth sailing.

D=

6th January 2012

Is this pre-school depression or sth? lol I'm not very keen to return to the days when I lack sleep but still have to force myself to go through the entire day. There's nothing worse than having to go through a long day while lacking sleep.

Doing homework has become a bitter activity. Urgh; I know i'm not supposed to be angry about such a thing but there's really nothing to look forward to in school. When the thing(s) you are searching for can't be found. I'm gonna try to look forward to small little things.. not sure if it'll work. Lately i've been getting the feeling that something unexpected is gonna happen this year. Or maybe its just me hoping again -.- Hmm an author expressed my feelings perfectly: "the hope [i] couldn't ever totally quench"

See! This is why i love books! They're a nice change from reality; And they help you put your feelings into words =)

PS. This is random but i thought i'd just post up a story for fun. It was a rare stroke of inspiration for me, written in July last year. Its.so.damn.applicable.to.life; probably because it expressed my fears, but i'm still hoping. So, this is for those out there who are still searching, for anything at all =) Go below to check it out!

The Calling

She was searching. Frantically, she grabbed the pile of books on her table, throwing them into a haphazard pile on her bed. They revealed nothing in hidden in their midst. No, not here. As searching every nook and cranny of her room began to look futile, the desperation began to mount. What if she never found it?

She moved onto searching the rest of her house. It wasn’t in any of her cupboards, neither was it among the things in her garage. She’d already emptied out every possible container in her house, yet its location continued to elude her. Where on earth could it be?

Then just as she passed the door leading to her backyard, she felt it. The pull on her energy. It launched her into another frantic search, this time of her backyard. She raced to patch of grass where the pull was exceptionally strong, her hand scrabbling at the earth, soil getting caught under her nails.

Adrenaline rushing through her veins, she dug at the soil as if her life depended on it, ignoring the bite of the earth on her skin.

Then she saw it, the corner of what appears to be a beautifully decorated box. The speed of her digging increased tenfold. So intent on her task, she did not even notice a sharp object cut into her palm. Lifting the box out of the soil, oblivious to the blood on her palm, she regarded it with wonder. Caressing the elegant designs, she heaved a sigh of relief. She’d found it, at last.

Her dirt covered hands traced over the runes inscribed on the box, a huge smile on her face. The runes were familiar; they were writings of her name in Runic.

Finally, she was going to find out. For 19 years she had waited. And today, all that anxiety, the worries, the expectations… they would all be over.

Taking a deep breath, she held it in her lungs as she slowly, carefully eased the box open.

Her eyes widened as tears slid down her cheeks. Her breath caught in her throat. She swore her heart had stopped beating. An involuntary sob escaped her lips in an attempt to relieve the growing agony in her chest.

It was empty.

31st December 2011

Its already the last day of 2011; in the blink of an eye, my first year in AC has started.. and ended. Feels just yesterday when I sat in my bright yellow and turquoise Crescent uniform in ACJC's huge hall and watched the OGLs perform.

Now, months later, after a series of attempted friendships, questions about commitment, killing thousands of trees in several exams and several crushes, I have survived 2011. It wasn't easy; even now i'm fighting. This year I learnt a lot of things. I guess JC is where we slowly begin to learn the ropes of today's society. At least that's what it feels like to me. Oh and how could i forget? How.. dramatic/interesting life can become just by adding one ingredient: the opposite gender. Okay, nuff said. I'm sure many will agree with me ;)

The last day of 2011 for me was amid confusion, pmsing weather and mothers, failed attempts to start a conversation etc. a hurricane of emotions. Horrible. Anyways the end of 2011 simply just signifies the start of 2012. As usual, I will always try to make the best of it; although something tells me it may be pretty lonely. But whatever i'll do my best =D Be it for As or just life in general!

Ah yes, and Happy New Year! =D

16th December 2011

Today was the first day of carolling
I didn't go
Came down with a 39 degree fever
It was as if there were stones tied to my arms and legs when i woke up
And as usual, the most unexpected person(s) cared
It wasn't who i was looking for
But thank you all the same :)

You forgot something that i hoped you wouldn't
Maybe you just forgot, or maybe you just didn't bother to find out
Then why should i have taken the effort in the first place?
So many broken, empty promises
You let me down
And i am gradually losing hope

Thank You

That small act of remembering what i'd told you such a long time ago

It lifted my discouraged spirits right up

31st October 2011

"By the time he let her go and they went out for lunch, her hands were toasty warm, so was her heart"

Sorry i couldn't resist sharing this XD This is the product of excessive hopes and consecutive days cooped up in an ice-cold badminton hall to take exams. Nuff said.

Happy Birthday Zhuo Min.. but i doubt you'll see this haha

Hey, Evangeline: Sometimes people may say/do things that hurt us. We smile and say its okay but deep inside, our hearts are actually crying. Some times people push us away (quite literally), sometimes we're the second choice. We cannot control the decisions that people make but what we can do is to face the pain, i guess. Decide what we are willing to compromise on, what we cannot... and to move on from there. When we meet someone who hurts us, i'm sure that there'll be someone out there to heal too ^^ And i'm really glad you managed to find that person! Stay happy dear! I'll always be there for you =)

PS leave a comment or sth when you see this? XD

17th October 2011

I'm tired. I say it once, i say it again, the exact reason why school is unbearable is because i'm not allowed to get enough sleep before i go to school!

Sigh something rather unexpected today. A friend of mine used his phone to sms a sweet message to me. Yes, it contained the word 'love'. Talk about misleading.. Of course i knew that it wasn't him when i first saw it. I laughed it off in school because i know that you didn't intent to hurt me when you took his phone. He just happened to be beside you. What had hurt was the reminder of the fact that it was impossible between us... At least that's what my common sense and rationality is telling me.

Things aren't exactly going easy.. but i'm pushing on. No matter what happens. I've taken the first step with positive results, i'm not going to turn around and waste it. "Once you hear the 'yes', there is no way you will quit"

I really really don't know how to put up a chatbox T.T

11th October 2011

I just updated my blogskin! Yay! Problem is: i don't know how to put in a chatbox. Sighs Why i'm so bo liao as to go edit my blog? Well its after promos! And i have nothing to do. I have gone out at all.. when i used to go out all the time with my friends after most major exams. I don't know. AC is wonderful, yes i love the sense of bonding there. But at the same time my selfish heart isn't satisfied. Close friends, i have yet to find. Sure i have friends who tease me and laugh with me.. Maybe its because everyone is such an extrovert, everyone enjoys being in such big groups of people. Contrary to that, being with big groups of people isn't my idea of fun, in fact it only made me draw myself further into my heart. I know i have to get used to it; that's the hard truth of life, but i can't bring myself to do it when i'm already feeling down. From prior experiences, going out with big groups of people, i know, will only serve to make me feel worse. I guess i'll have to slowly grow into it.. Sigh and i was so looking forward to a game tmr. And i'm too shy to ask him if we can go throw together T.T

I swear.... we have 3 opportunities every day to interact: in class and during our 2 CCAs. And yet we don't even talk much. Fail la ziyu, fail -.-

Anyways I shall bury myself in books then. Bleh

23rd September 2011

Happy Birthday Evangeline~ I wished you like 3 times alr! hahah

I had a wonderful time this week. Even if i didn't start out well. Its times like this that I fight for in life =) For the first time in a long time, I feel wholly happy! I went out to play in the rain yesterday... (shhh! No one is supposed to know about this, i'll get scolded for sure) for an entire 1h20min But boyy it was fun! haha You're not even sweating, its cooling, bordering on cold actually =/ and the synthetic grass felt pretty good on my feet. Haha, spontaneous actions really can add a whole range of new experiences for us. And we ended up taking jumpshot pictures. Lol i realised that my ankle tan-line is the worse, because i'm originally so fair.. Oops..

I finished my new short story~ I'm super proud of it. Its about frisbee... somehow i managed to link it to.. someone. Hence: ARGHHHHHHH! >:( Sigh anyway i wrote the story to pen down some of my confusion into words anyway. But i'm not going to send this to the publication.. no way in hell. Too obvious alr. HAHA

15th September 2011

4 days into term 4 and i'm already feeling like this.. aiyo.. how arh =( Frankly i don't understand what's going on either. The lack of communication just sucks and once again i'm struck by the hesitancy to reach out. Its amazing how things can change within a few months/weeks, how life can turn your original happiness into a feeling of dismay and disappointment. I'm not depressed.. just not sure how to respond to the odd situation at hand. I'm wary.. I really don't know what's going on. Sigh.. I guess i was asking for it, letting myself step into such a different kind of friendship and environment. I'll make mistakes.. I just hope that I won't hurt anyone in the process =/

I'm being an idiot really.. haha I know things won't work out but i end up wishing for them anyway. Perhaps i should just satisfy myself with the fact that we can throw together during PE and he's actually nice when we're throwing. Extending an invitation and giving me advice etc =X haha my backhand's really improved, now its time to work on my forehand ^^ Anyway so many issues are taking my emotions on a rollercoaster ride... time to get back to work

2nd September 2011

Not gonna post this on fb, twitter doesn't work and my itouch is dead, So here goes: if you're going to call me to entertain yourself, i would appreciate if you didn't.

23rd August 2011

I'm not supposed to be doing this... but i can't help it, i've got a lot of things to say, but in sufficient time to write them all in my diary. I have like 3 tests this week plus 3 sessions of choir (i'm not complaining.. will mention more abt this later..). I think if i weren't so.. idiotic this week, i probably won't be wishing for this week to end quickly. Today was a day of confusing feelings and fighting to keep myself happy. I mean of course there were things that made me happy, but I think because quite a lot of bad stuff happened, so they ended up 'outshining' the good things.

I'm so idiotic these few days. Kept forgetting to hand in things... to bring things, to do thing etc. last friday, forgot to hand in the class's tutorial. And from there things just went down hill... sigh i won't elaborate >.< It'll only make me even more depressed than i am now. anyway yeah, so today, i did a lot of foolish things.. choir ended around 7. But oh, Evangeline now i know the feeling of being in a bonded choir! We were walking to Buona Vista MRT station and then we started singing Ding Dong, OMG it was so fun~ hahaha Weijie keeps telling me to hit the high a/b -.- anyway, yeah i've really started to love the choir. All the great people i've yet to discover~ haha and loving how we get to sing together, that's a nice feeling =) teacher's day is coming, i hope that there'll be a miracle, and we can sing the songs to bless everyone in the hall and LT =D

The one thing that makes me smile today.. is probably a person's kind act of saying 'hi' to me. I thought he wouldn't remember me.. and life is pretty coincidental huh? Unless you don't believe in coincidences and say that it was fate.. Hahaha Then that would mean that life is playing tricks on me.. XD okay i gtg, Gp test tmr. haven't even read half of what i'm supposed to read...

12th August 2011

I was supposed to post this yesterday.. but i got depressed studying so much geog (which i doubt i'm going to do well in) and i didn't have the time to write. Also when i'm in a hurry i can't really do thing right... when i hurry myself, i'll only get the opposite effect - doing working super slowly, slower than normal. haha Yeah, i'm really different from my friends. How we get along, is something that i'm in awe of everyday... yeap so i'll treasure these friendships.

Ever felt some strong feelings for something, so strong that you really don't want to stop doing whatever you want to do/ stop seeing that person etc? I've been feeling like that so much recently, its baffling and the disappointment catches me by surprise. Wanting to do something so much, and suddenly finding out that you couldn't, knowing that it was just bad luck but being unable to do anything about it.. it was like a mental slap to me. Even writing about this, i could still feel the impact of those words. I think back and wonder, should i have done this differently...?

I realised i write about things in a really abstract way.. In fact i'm actually writing about two different things.. but linking them together cos they're actually... kinda related. Oh wells... but there's nothing i can do about this now. Only time can tell how things will change~ But i'll do my best. This week hasn't been a good week for me, and the recent realisation didn't help end the week well, so yeah. Here i am emoing away.. not really sure whether to look forward to tmr or not. Oh wells, I guess this is what happens when you make a sudden abrupt decision. But i'm gonna get through it. Notice i left out the 'try'? =D

25th July 2011

68 days to promos. Why am i NOT worried? sighs haha i didn't really do well for terms.. not very good, not very bad either. All of them are in the top range thou.. Excpet that i'm really starting to worry abt my Geog and GP. All those lessons where everyone was just arguing and i was stoning ( was i? there wasn't anything going through my mind, so many be i was) has made me feel extremely inadequate. It doesn't help that many of my friends are good at arguing in an essay almost without trying. Maybe i should consider consultations.

Today was a fun day. haha Rachel was sighing (happily) repeatedly, hence Si-an and i were teasing her relentlessly during recess. Haha but its rare to see her so happy. It makes me feel happy, whether its for her or due to the lifted atmosphere i don't know, but it was fun. Haha And there's Clarissa's want-to-catch-don't-want-to-catch expression when Wei Jie threw his jacket at her. She attacked him afterwards, which threw me into a laughing fit. Haha I'm beginning to fit into choir too. I'm glad... i found companions in the the most unexpected of friends. But hey i'm not complaining if it makes me feel a little more like i belong. And spending all the morning assemblies together.. i think my relationship with my fellow choir members is progressing ^^

I recently fell in love with frisbee. Its a super addictive sport which i am starting to grasp, and i can see myself improving with practice, unlike other sports (Basketball being a good example of this). Yeah... since frisbee involves going out into the sun/field to play, i expect myself getting a little bit more tan in the next few months XD The fun is just offset by the muscle aches and bruises experienced in the following days.. i'm still sporting some of them now even after thursday. Haha But is really fun =D And i can get to know more people too. So if i have time to spare, why not? Haha Which kinda means that i need to be more efficient when doing work. Which means no more slacking.... okay goodbye! (lol)